LISTEN. We started our new read in Bioethics, Leana Wen's Lifelines: A Doctor's Journey in the Fight for Public Health, and the author's account of her mother's strict parenting in the traditional Chinese style inevitably reminded me of the "Tiger Mother" furore stirred up a few years ago by Yale professor Amy Chua.
“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”
That sounds like a defensible difference of parenting philosophy, until you learn that Chua (lately caught up, btw, in a campus scandal called Dinner-Party gate") at various times calls her children "garbage," threatens to destroy their favorite possessions if they aren't "perfect" piano virtuosos right now, denies them playtime with friends, tells them their only admissible activities are those in which they can win a gold medal, and on and on.
I confess I've occasionally regretted my failure to stick with the piano lessons my parents encouraged, beyond the first couple of recitals. (I can still play Danse Macabre, or at least my fingers still "remember" the sequence of notes.)
But I've never regretted not being shamed, belittled, and humiliated by the people I loved and trusted most in the world. I've never regretted the time they allowed me to play baseball with the kids next door, rather than practice my scales for another hour. I've never regretted being treated like a free human being, respected as a Kantian end rather than saddled as a means to someone else's vicarious aspiration. I've never regretted being allowed to fail at something without being labeled a failure.
For better or worse--no, for better I'm sure--we raised our girls under the Emersonian admonition to domineering parents everywhere: "You're trying to make another you. One of you is enough." Parental discipline is one thing, disrespect is something else. Persistent parental disrespect is abuse. Tigers can be more supportive in children's lives.
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